Ireland is a magical country with a splendid landscapes and beautiful people. If you have ever been traveling in Ireland you know that people have a very unique and funny sense of humor. Read he following irish jokes and you will understand why. In this collection you will find a lot of famous jokes, as well as unique ones which only local people know.
“Is that the Ballycashel Echo?” asks Mick.
“How much would it be to put an ad in your paper?”
“Five pounds an inch,” a woman replies. “Why? What are you selling?”
“A ten-foot ladder,” said Mick before slamming the phone down.”
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.
“Did you see the paper?” asked Gallagher. “They say I died!!”
“Yes, I saw it!” replied Finney. “Where are ye callin’ from?”
The TV game show was really close. One contestant was asked to name 2 of Santa’s reindeer. The contestant gave a sigh thinking that he had finally been given an easy question, “Rudolph and Olive!” The host asked the contestant, “We’ll accept Rudolph but can you explain Olive?” The man looked at the host and said, “You know, ‘Olive,’ the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names…”
An Irishman walks into a railway station and presents himself at the ticket counter.
“I’d like a return ticket,” he says.
“To here!” says the Irishman.
An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.
He says: “Have you been drinking?”
“Just water,” says the priest.
The cop replies: “Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and says: “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”
Irish twins joke
Have you ever heard a famous irish twins joke? This is something super funny. You should definitely read it and share on Facebook. Dong this you will entertain all your friends who feel stressed during a busy day in the office.
Did you hear about the Irish water polo team?
All their horses drowned.
Joey-Jim was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. ‘What’s wrong, Seamus?’ Joey-Jim asked. ‘Well didn’t ya know, Joey-Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?’ said Seamus. ‘Ah, praise the Almighty!’ he replied with relief. ‘I thought I’d gone deaf!’
Sign in a London pub: ‘Happy hour – all you can drink for £1.’
Murphy went up to the bar and said ‘i’ll have two quids’ worth please.’
An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space.
“Lord,” he prayed. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the Guinness and go to mass every Sunday.”
Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman says: “Never mind, I found one!”
Funny irish jokes
If you want to hear very specific jokes, you should go traveling to Ireland. This is a beautiful country with great people. They have a super sense of humor and these funny irish jokes are the best proof.
What’s the difference between God and Bono? God doesn’t wander around Dublin thinking he’s Bono.
A very smart lady named Cookie
Said, “I like to mix gambling with nookie
Before every race
I go home to my place
And curl up with a very good bookie.
Q: What is Irish diplomacy?
A: It’s the ability to tell a man to go to hell. So that he will look forward to making the trip.
Perhaps you’ve heard about the Irish abortion clinic?
It has a 12 month waiting list.
Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.
Paddy says: “Are you on foot or in the car?”
Billy replies: “In the car.”
“Well that’s the quickest way,” says Paddy.”
Short irish jokes
Irish people know how to make good jokes. Discover the most famous collection of short irish jokes. Even such a short joke will make you and all your friends laugh for a long time.
Q. What is Irish diplomacy?
A. It’s the ability to tell a man to go to hell. So that he will look forward to making the trip.
A young Irish boy said to his grandfather, “Make a frog noise for me, Grandad.”
“No, son, I don’t feel like making a frog noise right now.”
“Oh please, Grandad, make a frog noise.”
“No, I don’t want to.”
“Oh please, Grandad, make a frog noise.”
“Why is it so important to you that I make a frog noise?”
“Mum says when you croak we can have this house.”
Q: Why did God invent whiskey?
A: So the Irish would never rule the world.
The first Irish National Steeplechase was finally abandoned. Not one horse could get a decent footing on the cathedral roof.
Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy has a bag of doughnuts in his hand.
Paddy says to Mick: “If you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag, you can have them both.”
Never iron a four-leaf clover. You don’t want to press your luck.
Q: Why wasn’t Jesus born in Ireland?
A: He couldn’t find 3 wise men or a virgin.
Dirty irish jokes
Irish people love dirty jokes. Who does not like them? Below, you will find a lot of dirty irish jokes exclusively for adults. If you can’t go to Ireland in the nearest future, at least you should enjoy their spicy sense of humor.
Lassi says “Paddy we’ve been married along time. You’re good lookin and I think you’ve slept with alotta women. I won’t be mad but I would like to know how many if any. Paddy says. My lovely Lass you should know I never slept with anyone but you my Darlin. All the rest I was awake.
Finnegan’s wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning him.
“Did she say anything before she died?” asked the sergeant.
“She spoke without interruption for about 40 years,” said Finnegan.
An Irishman goes into a bar in America and orders three whiskeys. The barman asks: “Would it be better for if I put all three shots in one glass?”
The Irishman replies: “No! I have two other brothers back at home, so every time I come into a pub, I order a shot for them both.”
The following week, the Irishman orders just two whiskeys.
The barman asks: “Did something happen one of your brothers?” “Oh no,” replies the Irishman. “I just decided to quit drinking!”
Terms indicated in an Irish policy:
“The total sum will be paid to you in one single figure at the time of your death, and must be applied for by post unless you wish to collect it yourself.”
Q: What do you call two gay Irish men?
A: Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick.
Irish Blessing – As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
“Mick and Paddy are walking along when Mick falls down a manhole. Paddy shouts down: “What shall I do?” Mick barks back: “Call me an ambulance!”
Paddy then jumps up and down screaming: “Mick is an ambulance, Mick is an ambulance.”
“I had an accident opening a can of alphabet spaghetti this morning,” said Murphy.
“Were you injured?” enquired Seamus.
“No, but it could have spelled disaster,” concluded Murphy.
Q: How do you blind an Irish woman?
A: You put a bottle of scotch in front of her.
Have you heard about the Irish boomerang?
It doesn’t come back, it just sings songs about how much it wants to.
Two Irishmen were driving home one night when one asked the other to check if the car’s indicators are working.
He promptly sticks his head out the window and says: “”Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.”””
Irish diplomacy – the art of telling someone to go to hell in such a way they’ll look forward to the trip.
Did you hear about the Irish kamikaze pilot?
He flew 99 missions . . .
Q: What do you call a big Irish spider?
A: A Paddy long legs.
Man runs out of a West Belfast pub with his arms on fire Police catch him and charge him with having an armalite.
Q: How does every Irish joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder.
Irish jokes on images
Go to the selection of quotes and puzzles that are below: