Old people are full of wisdom and life experience. At the same time, they are so funny. Sometimes, they behave like children. They take their life much easier than young people and the like to play. Discover the best set of old people jokes. You should share these senior jokes with your parents and grandparents to remind them how much you love them. These old age jokes will entertain them and make your relationships much closer. Being old can be fun if you do not take your age seriously. Remind your dear people that you love them despite their age.
Old people jokes
As the hostess at the casino buffet showed me to my table, I asked her to keep an eye out for my husband, who would be joining me momentarily. I started to describe him: “He has gray hair, wears glasses, has a potbelly …
She stopped me there. “Honey,” she said, “today is senior day. They all look like that.”
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
How old was your husband?’ ’98,’ she replied.
‘Two years older than me.’
‘So you’re 96,’ the undertaker commented.
She responded, ‘Hardly worth going home, is it?’
“An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his carphone.
“Honey”, she says in a worried voice, “be careful. There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway”.
“It’s worse than that”, he replies, “there are hundreds of them!”
I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
A young man with a wild and multi-coloured hairstyle sits next to an old man on a park bench. The old man stares at the young man.
“What’s the matter, old man?” says the young man. “Never done anything crazy in your life?”
The old man replies: “Yeah. When I was in the Navy, I got really drunk one night and had sex with a parrot. I thought you might be my son.”
I took my grandma to a fish spa center where the little fish eat your dead skin for only $45.
It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.
I grew a beard thinking it would say “Distinguished Gentleman.” Instead, turns out it says, “Senior Discount, Please!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’ ‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’
After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery. Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.
I thought you were a ghost,” says the relieved teen. “What are you doing working so late?
“Oh, those idiots,” grumbles the old man. “They misspelled my name!”
Funny old people jokes
Does your parent feel depressed about his or her age? Getting old can be difficult. A person feels that his health is not the same as it used to be when he was young. You can cheer up your dear person by sharing the following funny old people jokes.
Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, ”How do you really feel? I mean, you’re 72 years old, how do you honestly feel?”
”Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I’ve got no hair, no teeth, and I just wet myself.”
Q: What has 75 balls and screws old ladies?
Three old guys are out walking.. First one says,
‘Windy, isn’t it?’ Second one says, ‘No, it’s Thursday!’
Third one says, ‘So am I. Let’s go get a beer.’
“What’s a hipster?” asked my four-year-old cousin.
Someone who will wear something just to look different,” I said. “They’ll often buy clothes in thrift shops and wear thick glasses.
Is Grandma a hipster?” he asked.
Old man jokes
There is a stereotype that old people are grumpy and boring. You can break it by posting these wonderful old man jokes. You should feel proud of our age and let other people know that your soul is as young as it was in your childhood.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4 years old raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
“The other replies, “Oh sure I do.”
The first old lady asks, “What do you do about it?”
The second old lady replies, “I suck a lifesaver.”
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, “Who drives you to the beach?”
“The irate customer calling the newspaper offices, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
“Ma’am”, said the employee, “today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered ’til Sunday.”
There was quite a pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition. “So that’s why no one was in church today.”
I was out walking the dog this morning, when I spotted two teenagers wrestling with an old aged pensioner for her purse. I immediately ran over to help.
We got the fucking thing off her in the end.
A beggar approaches a grandmother at the beach with his hands out. “Please, Señora,” the poor man pleads, “I haven’t eaten all day.”
“Good,” says the grandmother. “Now you won’t have to worry about cramps when you go for a swim.”
He’s so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Old birthday jokes
Are you trying to compose a nice greeting for your grandparent? Check out the following old birthday jokes. This is a good way to greet your dear person and remind him that age is just a number. The soul never gets old.
An elderly couple was attending church services.
About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband.
“I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?”
He replies, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”
What are the three best things about Alzheimer’s Disease?
1. You make new friends every day.
2. You can laugh at all the old jokes.
3. You make new friends every day.
Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.
“Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.
“But Larry’s still alive.”
“I know, but his hair is gone.”
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
When I die, I wanna go like my grandpa… peacefully… sleeping… unlike the passengers in his car.
He is so old that he gets nostalgic when he sees the Neolithic cave paintings.
Old lady jokes
Women worry about their age a lot. Well, you can feel depressed about your age, this is your choice. However, after reading these fabulous old lady jokes, you will smile and stop taking yourself as an old lady.
My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.
While visiting a retirement community, my wife and I decided to do some shopping and soon became separated.
“Excuse me,” I said, approaching a clerk. “I’m looking for my wife. She has white hair and is wearing white shoes.”
Gesturing around the store, the clerk responded, “Take your pick.”
I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants, but he’s still making fun of me.
A very old woman realizes that she’s seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world.
After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.
Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart.
He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple.
The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.
I used to hate weddings. All the old dears would poke me and say, “you’re next.”
They soon stopped when I started saying the same to them at funerals.
Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called the clerk’s office to remind them that she was exempt because of her age.
“You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms,”the clerk said.
“But I filled them out last year,”she replied.
“You have to fill them out every year.”
“Why? Do you think I’m getting younger?”
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One old lady turns to the other and asks, “Do you still get horny?”
A man was telling his neighbor, ‘I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art.
‘Really,’ answered the neighbor. ‘What kind is it?’
‘Twelve thirty’, he replied.
At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he’s adopted?
True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.
The day after visiting a fair, my wife was in agony. “You know you’re past your prime,” she said, “when you hurt all over and all you rode was the massage chair.”
Old people jokes on images
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